Reasons not to watch Vijay in action!

1. Vijay stars in them.

2. Setting aside ATM, the music is usually below par. More on that later.

3. His movies insult the intelligence of the average movie-goer.

4. Watching Vijay movies is like being subjected to the Dementor's kiss: You're just a shell of your former self after the ordeal.

5. One tends to lose the ability to converse for a prolonged duration of time after enduring his movies.

6. It makes Silambarasan and Dhanush movies look good in comparison. (Ahhhh!)

7. The female lead is usually a minimal-cloth-requiring, having-an-IQ-of-a-lab rat's tail- caricature of a Damsel in Distress. In short... She's usually a mannequin capable of locomotion.

8. He is the master and commander of the five fundamental elements. A brief delve into each:

• Kuruvi demonstrated his ability to breathe underwater in a rogue elevator hands bound, Houdini-like, and emerge out of a nearby water mass with such force that the water is forced to rise underneath him in the slipstream.
• Who could forget his wondrous hawk-like abilities? To judge a free fall perfectly from a high-rise construction, and then to fly onto a pure, solid concrete structure about a hundred feet off without even a scratch is no mean feat, ladies and gentlemen.
• Sivakasi proved that he is fire-incarnate. Each time his unfortunate opponents irked him, his eyes would turn fiery red and he would then unleash his wrath on these fellows. Also, during song sequences, a flame would make rounds around his person. In one particular song, he would show us that his body is made fully of fire and that the skin was just a cover to help him mingle among earthlings. My goodness, what modesty for somebody this awesome.
• His latest travail 'Villu' proved that red earth has the following effects on his body:
• It has magical healing effects on deep sickle-induced wounds.
• It can also be used as a substitute for oxygen, as proved by Vijay when he breathes it in with apparent ease whilst being buried under it for a good five minutes.
• It does not cause irritation when it falls in his eyes. In fact, it is a very good substitute for tears and takes care of keeping the eyeballs hydrated. (I suspect having a lot of red earth where the brain usually is could be a cause for the body's ingrained tolerance for this substance. Having the face that resembles a gurdyroot could be another.)
• Vijay is a man of the family. Be it his mother or sister or father (just about anybody who could be classified under a word that ends in '-er', basically) , he is always there for them. Consequently, most of his movies involve their torture as a stimulant to his violent nature. He is otherwise, of course, an amicable straightforward innocent young person.

9. The previous point leads me to the following hypothesis. If Vijay is indeed the master and commander of the five elements (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart), move aside Captain Planet.

10. Each of Vijay's opening songs could be used in any of his other movies. Every other song from each of his movies should then be fitted into a trashcan. This would also eliminate the necessity of a female lead. That's time and energy saved for all humankind.

11. It is the best non-nuclear weapon that could be employed by India against its enemies. (Float DVDs of Vijay movies into the enemy base camp. Curiosity will ensure that they end up watching the movies. The rest can be left unsaid.)

12. It teaches the men valuable seduction lessons. From Kuruvi: If you're ugly, wear a mask and steal a diamond. From Villu: Teach her the art of drawing water from a well. From Sivakasi, Thirupachi, Adhi and Azhagiya Tamizh Magan: Stand around and look stupid. Some moron will be drawn to you.

Therefore, to sum up, Eugh!